Do you ever have those days or weeks where everything just weighs on you, whether those things should or shouldn't? That's been my week. It's not over yet, but I've been rather melancholy this week. I attribute a lot of it to my back hurting since Tuesday, although progressively less each day, which is good.
For the last week (starting last Thursday while sitting in the rain on the seawall in Vancouver watching seaplanes land and take off in the harbor), I've been doing a lot of thinking about myself and what I want. I've come to the conclusion that I'm ready for whatever is next. I don't dislike work, but I don't love it anymore. I'm also not in love with LA, but I also don't know that it's time to leave it. If what I want to do is write and/or produce, then I need to start that path, and figure out how to do it financially. I'm tired of doing things for money, rather than for pleasure.
Tomorrow is Friday, which brings its usual donut/bagel day at work and payday, but this particular Friday adds a trip to Vegas for the annual Frozen Fury hockey game. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm also worried that my head is going to be lost in thought for much of it, although perhaps it will be a welcome distraction. Plus a friend of mine from my high school years that I haven't seen in a couple of years is also in Vegas this weekend, so we're going to meet up and discuss a potential project, which is always good.
We have some casting people at work who are searching for talent for some projects we're working on. While I was changing out the toner cartridge in their printer today, we started talking about televisions hows we were watching and into, and halfway through the casting director asked me if I had ever wanted to be an actor. He stated that he could see me as a character actor. As a child I had dreams of acting, but I knew it wasn't something I should pursue, and I still know this. But what led him to that assumption? What is it about me that says "character actor"? I was reminded of the time my acting for non-actors teacher in college told me he saw me as a writer. What did he see then? Would he say the same thing now?
Speaking of seeing things in me, one of the people I hung out with in Vancouver remarked about how beautiful my eyes are. Not to be vain, but I've sort of noticed this about myself as well. I love my eyes, but I don't know why. Sometimes I stand in front of a mirror and sort of stare into my eyes. I think I'm looking for myself in them. There's depth in my eyes; I can see it. There's also something trapped in them, I think. Am I locking myself away somewhow? Preventing myself from being that which is me?
Today's song is "My Shadow", by Keane, because it's time for me to make a start to get to know my heart. Time for me to show my face, and take my place. I'm not leaving by the road I came in on.
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